Disney Expo

Thursday, January 7, two days before the 1/2, the dawn of the last good night of sleep before the 1/2, the last chance to eat the energy that would fuel my half. I went with my family to the expo, they were all excited, I was numb with fear, with dread, with doubt. I began to fear failure. If I were to fail, if I were to be swept, how could I live with myself? How could I be an example to my children? How could I face everyone that had donated money to my fundraising efforts? The fear of failure was sickening. I had not been sleeping well for the past week and now I was sick with naussea. The expo was big and loud and overstimulating. I was filled with dread and sadly unable to enjoy it, I was too afraid of failure.

I picked up my number, my race retreat bracelet and my shirt and bag, I put blinders on to all of the cool t-shirts, like the ones that said my mom ran the 1/2 or I ran my forst 1/2. I did not want to buy any shirts because if I failed, Iwas a fraud and should not own any of those shirts. I was agin the only fat person walking among all of these fit runners that belonged there, me I did not belong there. How did I get there? Everyone looking at me must be thinking she is going to run this? baaahhhaaahhhaaaahhhahaaa

I walked out speechless and stunned.