Mental Wars

Last week was as far as training weeks go, a terrible, awful, very bad no good week. I got a mental panic and that froze my training. I started the week off Friday with a good run, it was a hilly 5 mile run that started off tough and finished off great. But then a weekend of fun culminated in sick children and exhaustion and work stress and a loss of a long run which then became a week of rest due to a very sick baby, bad weather and work pressures. I being the extremist that I am said ok one week off equals 20 mile race on Sunday. I will blog about that next, but what I have to come to realize is that running is so mentally exhausting. I have a constant fear and pressure that I am an awful runner and a slow runner and a fat runner and I have no business being out there. Then I beat myself up and it keeps me from getting out there. Then I force myself to go and within 30 minutes, I feel great and I love running, I feel strong, I feel alive and I think that this is what makes me happy, this is what I have been missing. When I run regularly, everything in my life falls into place and feels manageable. When I don't run things feel overwhelming and out of control. I have this constant battle of I love running I hate running, when in fact I hate not running.