A Fleeting Thought of Quitting

So, this morning I repeated the same routine I have for the past three days. I convinced myself the night before that I would be setting the alarm for 5am and jumping out of bed and either heading to the gym for a swim or to the roads for a run. I have been alternating running every other day and swimming. Every morning I hear the alarm and fumble for the snooze and continue to hit snooze in a semi conscious state until 6:30am when my husband laughs at me as I make the joke that I actually went for a run at 3am and that I am now just waking up after sneaking back into bed at 4:30am, but forgot to turn off the alarm. I apparently have a hard time waking up at 5am to go to work out. The result of this is that my morning gets shot as I work out after school dropoff and have to torture my youngest in the Y babysitting room while I deal with that guilt throughout my workout. Then I am recovering and stretching while the baby naps until preschool pickup.


This morning I decided to step on the scale, it has been almost a week since I did this and surely I have lost another 10 pounds by now. I have been exercising every day for 30-60 minutes. I have been vigilant about my diet and have avoided excess sweets and Excess alcohol. What drinks do skinny peaople drink anyway? I have eaten nothing fried and not induldged in anything white or containing too many carbs. I have worked hard!! I step on the scale and immediately step off and back on again. This cannot be right, no way. Then I begin to scream at my scale WHAT THE ^$%*&&*)(_(*)(*&!!!!!!! I HAVE NOT LOST ONE EXTRA POUND!!!!!!!!

How can this be possible, what have I been killing myself for????? At that moment I could almost smell an extra cheese and large peperoni pizza and a bottle of wine. Why am I doing this if my body is just goingto be fat forever. I thought everyone told me eat less and move more and the pounds will come off. I FELT LIKE QUITTING.

I regathered myslf and reminded myself of how good my heart has been feeling and how much clearer my skin looks and of the committment I had made and reminded myself that this is a challenge that I cannot and will not fail at. This is important, vital to my future health and ability to be there for my children as they travel their journey through life.

I went to the gym after dropoff, dropped the baby in the dreaded sitting room, went upstairs and ran the best two miles I have run yet. It felt good. It felt triumphant. Hopefully those pounds will start falling off soon, but I feel like I overcame a demon today and dug dowm deep and found the courage to keep going.

Maybe I just need a new scale???????

Teaching an Old Dog New Trick

I have discovered that even at the age of 36 which people still seem to deem "young", it is very hard to break old habits. I started on the journey to a better, stronger, healthier me about fourth months ago, when after 20 years of being a diet coke addict, I quit. Cold turkey, just said goodbye the delicious fizz and the phenaphylanines. It was hard for a few weeks and found I had to check myself often as it came naturally without thinking to order a diet coke since I have been ordering DC for so many years. However, I did it and now I drink a cup or two of coffee every morning to wake up.

Now I am breaking the habit of not making exercise a priority and it has been two weeks and a lot of work, but I am enjoying it. I wonder if I will ever walk again rather than hobble, but if hobbling will make me healthier, then I am ok with that. It is a challenge to fit it into the daily rat race, but I am making it work so far.

Now, two weeks into the exercise rehab, I am tackling the eating. This I find is the hardest of all. It is hard work and expensive and exhausting to be a Mommy to four young children and a wife and a CEO of the corporation that is our household. Finding the time to plan meals, cook them and stock the fridge with healthy food and snacks seems like mission impossible.

I had sort of hoped that once I started exercising the pounds would just fall off on their own and that I could still eat and drink in the same style I had always before. However, this is not happening. I spent a day wondering if maybe my mind can be taught new tricks, but not my body, maybe my body just likes being overweight and wants to be a heffalump.

NO! My Mind and body want to be a pixie. I am starting a war with my body and I intend on teaching this old dog a new trick.

This is a hard battle, but I know if I try hard enough, I can suceed, so bring on the battle body.