Go for the Duck, Go for the Duck Go for the Duck! That is what I kept telling myself as the sleet and the cold pierced my nose and my ears and my body. It was so dark, it was so crowded. I was suddenly scared. Scared of the sweep buses, scared of the crowds, scared of the walkers, scared of my lack of training the past month due to the weather and the holidays and my own demons. As I approached the first mile marker, I was terrified of getting hurt.
I did not expect to be terrified of getting hurt. However, I had not expected this terrible weather, the sleet and the wet grounds and at mile one I had been zig zagging in and out of walkers and other runners, jumping onto the slick grass and onto the road and dodging plastic bags and other random pieces of clothing that were being tossed in the middle of the road and on the side of the road. People were cutting me off as they passed me, I was cutting people off as I passed them. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? I suddenly felt like I was trapped in my favorite 80's video game frogger!
It is dark, it is wet, it is cold, I am just starting out and I can not run in a straight line, I can not keep my pace and I am terrified I am going to either slip and fall or fall from tripping on a plastic bag in the road or on someones coat and this is breaking my focus. Suddenly I realize I can see in front of me the first glimpse of the Magic Kingdom gates and the sun is starting to rise and now I am facing a new challenge, my emotions and my tears.
I had always been afraid of the sweep buses, but all I could do was start running, run the fastest and hardest I could and GO FOR THE DUCK! I was filled with adrenaline before the race, but did not expect to feel the gut wrenching emotions I was feeling while running. I LOVE DISNEY for so many reasons. I love it for the memories. I cherish my childhood memories of visiting with my father who passed away when I was only 14 of cancer , I cherish Disney because of all of the wonderful vacations we have had with my children and especially with my autistic son. I am so grateful to Disney for their efforts in helping people with disabilities feel excepted and taken care of and valued; something that sadly that is hard to achieve outside of Disney. Most of all I love Disney for helping me to appreciate the important things in life, love, and family and relationships and friends. I know I am getting emotional, but running is emotional for me. At this point, I started gushing and flowing tears of joy, tears of pride, tears of pain, tears of fear, just tears. I had worked so hard for this and when I passed under the Magic Kingdom arches with the monorail tracks at my side, it suddenly hit me for the first time. I am really doing this, it is here.
I know, I am silly, but I had been talking the talk, walking the walk for so many months and now it was really here, this was the moment, this was my moment and at that moment as I passed under the gates, I knew,that I was going to do it.
I wanted to make my kids proud of me, I wanted to inspire other people to reach for goals, to believe the impossible to work for something, chase a dream go after it and feel the joy of accomplishment. Here, I am still a heffalump, an overweight 30 something mom of four and I was running a 13.1 mile course, in the early am, in the sleet in the freezing cold.
At that point, I felt a calm wash over me and I just ran, I did not stop, not for the characters in the Magic Kingdom although I did wave and watch and appreciate them, not for the bathroom, not for when I shed my top two layers, I just ran and ran and ran. I apologize to the poor woman whose coffee I accidentally knocked out of her hand while running up Main street. The road was too narrow and I was again weaving and her cup was over the line and my left elbow caught it and sent it sailing airborne 10 feet in front of me.
I loved running through the Magic Kingdom past the characters, over the train tracks, past the pirate ship by the water parade floats and up past the Grand Floridian. Seeing goofy in his golf cart on the side of the road was fun. Mostly, I was inspired by how many adults and children that were out on the course that early in the morning in the freezing rain and 30 degree weather to cheer for the runners.
The run back to Epcot was long and slow. The dreaded overpass that curved and inclined slowly was painful. But then the most amazing thing happened, I saw Spaceship Earth and the Epcot gate and I knew I had done it. Every long run I had when things got tough, I always imagined the "big ball" as we call it in our family in front of us. To actually know it was there and I was at mile 11 and change and I was approaching it was again a tear invoking experience. Running into Epcot while slipping and sliding on the wet pavement was one memory, I will never forget. Rounding the corner and being startled by a gospel choir before the finish was another memory I will never forget. Crossing the finish line although I know it was trite, I could not help but raise my arms above my head. I DID IT! I proudly walked and claimed my duck.
Then as I stopped running and started walking, I suddenly realized how much my legs began to hurt and thus "mommy robot" as my kids called me for the next several days was born, but Mommy Robot had her duck so the pain was replaced by pride.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
I awoke, numb. I am a sleeper. I learned in the last 9 months that I am not a wake up a 5 or 6 and go for a run happy to start my day type of runner. I AM A RUNNING DIVA! I like to run between 9:30am and 11:30am, I like, my coffe, my eggs, my water, my stretching, my shoes just so.
So, let me get this right, I am supposed to tour the parks all day, go to sleep at 8 or so and awake at 2:30 am and leave my room to go run 13.1 miles with the stress of keeping a pace of under 16 minute miles or face being swept by buses and lifelong humiliation? Ummmmmmm, run, can I run for the airport? Can I escape to Miami? I began to be mad at Mickey that day and Donald and all Disney characters, why did sweep buses have to exist? Why did there have to be a time limit? It is not fair, it is evil, it is mean. I hated Disney for doing this, then Pooh gave me a hug, I don't hate Disney, who can hate Disney?
Ok so, ate my last meal at Teppan Edo, has a glass of wine at dinner to relax joked with our nice dinner table sharers about running tomorrow while they stared at me like I belong in the crazy house, maybe I do. Got back to the room at 7:30, put on my running clothes to sleep in, packed my fuel belt with electrolyte mixture and guu gel packs, had my ipod, my number, my layers and layers of clothes, called for a 2am wake up call, set the alarm for a 2:15am buzz put my running sneakers by the door and numbly tried to go to sleep.
I knew it was going to be 28 and sleeting and then freezing rain in the am so I did not expect my husband and four kids to come out to cheer me on, this was my race, my battle. I did not know if I would finish, I told him not to come to the finish because if I got swept, it would be too painful to know he was there waiting for me and I did not want to dissapoint my kids.
I went to sleep and awoke every hour on the hour untill 2am. I headed out the door in a daze and walked in the cold, in the dark to the bus stop. The bus arrived at 2:45am and I boarded, blinking at the LCD display that read 2:45am January 9, 2010. I waited slowly as one at a time bleary eyed runners appeared and boarded the bus intil 3am when the bus promptly departed for Epcot. The bus was playing an eerie mix of music from the monkees to the black eyed peas, I briefly considered whether this soundtrack was meant to be my life flashing before my eyes.
I was surprised when the bus dropped us a mile from the tents, ok this is a nice warmup up in the freezing cold at 3:15am, not!
Got to the race retreat, a heated haven with bagels and coffee, tvs, music and leather couches at 3:35am and met my team co-captains and Deb Wills. We hung out and I annoyingly talked of sweep buses. Race retreat is worth the extra money! Private potties, computers, charcters, private baggage claim, one of the best decisions I made. We went out at 4:45am to meet our other teamates, pose for pics and begin the 1 mile trek in the dark, in the cold to the starting corrals.
So Disney, I have to walk two miles before the start of the 1/2 marathon? Seriously?
I get to the corral G, the last corral and work my way to the front and then the magic starts. You see a video screen with Mickey, Goofy and Minnie in running gear doing exercises, how can you not smile? Music is playing, and suddenly you see fireworks as the first wave starts, not just any fireworks, amazing fireworks. Suddenly the adreneline kicks in. I am going to do this, I can do this. Surrounded by 17 thousand runners, I am excited , I can do this!
I watch the next wave start and more fireworks, and then the next wave and suddenly, it is my turn. My wave starts and I walk another mile to the start! I go gangbusers, in the dark, in the dark, in the cold and the dark and the sleet, dodging over tossed sweatshirts in the road, tossed plastic bags and mittens and gloves and snow and rain and sleet and if that is not enough suddenly I am dodging a sea of walkers. I am suddenly weaving in and out of a labyrinth of walkers trying to run and keep my pace. I am swearing and wondering what the heck are all of these walkers doing ahead of me. suddenly, I am running on the grass, and all I hear in my head is GO FOR THE DUCK!
So, let me get this right, I am supposed to tour the parks all day, go to sleep at 8 or so and awake at 2:30 am and leave my room to go run 13.1 miles with the stress of keeping a pace of under 16 minute miles or face being swept by buses and lifelong humiliation? Ummmmmmm, run, can I run for the airport? Can I escape to Miami? I began to be mad at Mickey that day and Donald and all Disney characters, why did sweep buses have to exist? Why did there have to be a time limit? It is not fair, it is evil, it is mean. I hated Disney for doing this, then Pooh gave me a hug, I don't hate Disney, who can hate Disney?
Ok so, ate my last meal at Teppan Edo, has a glass of wine at dinner to relax joked with our nice dinner table sharers about running tomorrow while they stared at me like I belong in the crazy house, maybe I do. Got back to the room at 7:30, put on my running clothes to sleep in, packed my fuel belt with electrolyte mixture and guu gel packs, had my ipod, my number, my layers and layers of clothes, called for a 2am wake up call, set the alarm for a 2:15am buzz put my running sneakers by the door and numbly tried to go to sleep.
I knew it was going to be 28 and sleeting and then freezing rain in the am so I did not expect my husband and four kids to come out to cheer me on, this was my race, my battle. I did not know if I would finish, I told him not to come to the finish because if I got swept, it would be too painful to know he was there waiting for me and I did not want to dissapoint my kids.
I went to sleep and awoke every hour on the hour untill 2am. I headed out the door in a daze and walked in the cold, in the dark to the bus stop. The bus arrived at 2:45am and I boarded, blinking at the LCD display that read 2:45am January 9, 2010. I waited slowly as one at a time bleary eyed runners appeared and boarded the bus intil 3am when the bus promptly departed for Epcot. The bus was playing an eerie mix of music from the monkees to the black eyed peas, I briefly considered whether this soundtrack was meant to be my life flashing before my eyes.
I was surprised when the bus dropped us a mile from the tents, ok this is a nice warmup up in the freezing cold at 3:15am, not!
Got to the race retreat, a heated haven with bagels and coffee, tvs, music and leather couches at 3:35am and met my team co-captains and Deb Wills. We hung out and I annoyingly talked of sweep buses. Race retreat is worth the extra money! Private potties, computers, charcters, private baggage claim, one of the best decisions I made. We went out at 4:45am to meet our other teamates, pose for pics and begin the 1 mile trek in the dark, in the cold to the starting corrals.
So Disney, I have to walk two miles before the start of the 1/2 marathon? Seriously?
I get to the corral G, the last corral and work my way to the front and then the magic starts. You see a video screen with Mickey, Goofy and Minnie in running gear doing exercises, how can you not smile? Music is playing, and suddenly you see fireworks as the first wave starts, not just any fireworks, amazing fireworks. Suddenly the adreneline kicks in. I am going to do this, I can do this. Surrounded by 17 thousand runners, I am excited , I can do this!
I watch the next wave start and more fireworks, and then the next wave and suddenly, it is my turn. My wave starts and I walk another mile to the start! I go gangbusers, in the dark, in the dark, in the cold and the dark and the sleet, dodging over tossed sweatshirts in the road, tossed plastic bags and mittens and gloves and snow and rain and sleet and if that is not enough suddenly I am dodging a sea of walkers. I am suddenly weaving in and out of a labyrinth of walkers trying to run and keep my pace. I am swearing and wondering what the heck are all of these walkers doing ahead of me. suddenly, I am running on the grass, and all I hear in my head is GO FOR THE DUCK!
Disney Expo
Thursday, January 7, two days before the 1/2, the dawn of the last good night of sleep before the 1/2, the last chance to eat the energy that would fuel my half. I went with my family to the expo, they were all excited, I was numb with fear, with dread, with doubt. I began to fear failure. If I were to fail, if I were to be swept, how could I live with myself? How could I be an example to my children? How could I face everyone that had donated money to my fundraising efforts? The fear of failure was sickening. I had not been sleeping well for the past week and now I was sick with naussea. The expo was big and loud and overstimulating. I was filled with dread and sadly unable to enjoy it, I was too afraid of failure.
I picked up my number, my race retreat bracelet and my shirt and bag, I put blinders on to all of the cool t-shirts, like the ones that said my mom ran the 1/2 or I ran my forst 1/2. I did not want to buy any shirts because if I failed, Iwas a fraud and should not own any of those shirts. I was agin the only fat person walking among all of these fit runners that belonged there, me I did not belong there. How did I get there? Everyone looking at me must be thinking she is going to run this? baaahhhaaahhhaaaahhhahaaa
I walked out speechless and stunned.
I picked up my number, my race retreat bracelet and my shirt and bag, I put blinders on to all of the cool t-shirts, like the ones that said my mom ran the 1/2 or I ran my forst 1/2. I did not want to buy any shirts because if I failed, Iwas a fraud and should not own any of those shirts. I was agin the only fat person walking among all of these fit runners that belonged there, me I did not belong there. How did I get there? Everyone looking at me must be thinking she is going to run this? baaahhhaaahhhaaaahhhahaaa
I walked out speechless and stunned.
December
December brought a business trip, family drama, a lot of holiday stress and family dysfunction and the snow and cold weather. I only averaged one run a week in December and at one point went 12 days without a run. I felt miserable, I felt depressed, convinced I had failed, convinced I could not do this, I had failed, I was nothing but a worthless fat chick with no purpose.
It is hard in Marblehead surrounded by all of the gorgeous and put together perfect mompreneurs. The average size of a mom in Marblehead is -2. Being aheffalump in this town is not easy, nevermind a brown haired brown eyed heffalump with a last name like Gonzales.
It was a combination of lack of time, bad weather, lack of confidence and loss of drive that led to my training demise, I slowly started gaining weight. Yet something in me kept fihting back.
I remember going for a run on xmas eve, I was hosting family for xmas and had tons to do, yet I still made it out for a four mile run on xmas eve, who does that? I still had some fight left in me.
The weather fought back and I tried running on the treadmill, one day, it was that crappy run that convinced me that I think I am a runner, real runners o not like treadmills, they hate them in fact, they call them dreadmills. They take the joy of running and try to squash it. I had to keep fighing back.
I managed three short runs before leaving the 6th more worried than ever about the pace requirement of 16 minute miles.
It is hard in Marblehead surrounded by all of the gorgeous and put together perfect mompreneurs. The average size of a mom in Marblehead is -2. Being aheffalump in this town is not easy, nevermind a brown haired brown eyed heffalump with a last name like Gonzales.
It was a combination of lack of time, bad weather, lack of confidence and loss of drive that led to my training demise, I slowly started gaining weight. Yet something in me kept fihting back.
I remember going for a run on xmas eve, I was hosting family for xmas and had tons to do, yet I still made it out for a four mile run on xmas eve, who does that? I still had some fight left in me.
The weather fought back and I tried running on the treadmill, one day, it was that crappy run that convinced me that I think I am a runner, real runners o not like treadmills, they hate them in fact, they call them dreadmills. They take the joy of running and try to squash it. I had to keep fighing back.
I managed three short runs before leaving the 6th more worried than ever about the pace requirement of 16 minute miles.
Catching up
Hey,
So I have to apologize about my lack of blogging, I guess I suffered a bit of blog stage fright coming into the home stretch. My training was going strong into thanksgiving, but then the craze of two business trips, the holidays, the emotinal drain of the holidays took their toll and my training came to a dramatic halt on December 6. December 6 was the morning of my 10 mile qualifying run for the Boston marathon Tufts challenge number. I awoke at 6am to a snow storm and almost went back to bed, but that same force that has been driving me, told me I would regret this decision. I put on my running clothes and headed down to Medford, sat in my car wondering what the heck I was doing. I am nuts, I am crazy, am I really going to run on the icy, snowy streets, in the 30 degree weather for god knows how long since I am the slowest and fatest runner on the planet? Why am I doing this? I am not good enough, not strong enough, not fast enough, not worth it. Right?
Then I head into the gym and it gets worse. I am the only fat person in the room everyone else is young and beautiful and perky and thin and we head out and I am dejected. I line up, freezing and not knowing why start running before long, I am the only one left running alone everyone ahead of me, we had been told police would help block traffic for tough intersections, but since I was so far behind, I was on my own, no police lagged behind to help me. This was a tough and long run, I battled demons and self confidence issues the whole run, but somehow powered through, it was hard, tough and long, but I finished, I qualified. I almost feel like the head of the team hoped I would not because I sucked so much with my time, but I did.
That was my last long run and last real training run before the half. The start of my downward spiral before th 1/2.
So I have to apologize about my lack of blogging, I guess I suffered a bit of blog stage fright coming into the home stretch. My training was going strong into thanksgiving, but then the craze of two business trips, the holidays, the emotinal drain of the holidays took their toll and my training came to a dramatic halt on December 6. December 6 was the morning of my 10 mile qualifying run for the Boston marathon Tufts challenge number. I awoke at 6am to a snow storm and almost went back to bed, but that same force that has been driving me, told me I would regret this decision. I put on my running clothes and headed down to Medford, sat in my car wondering what the heck I was doing. I am nuts, I am crazy, am I really going to run on the icy, snowy streets, in the 30 degree weather for god knows how long since I am the slowest and fatest runner on the planet? Why am I doing this? I am not good enough, not strong enough, not fast enough, not worth it. Right?
Then I head into the gym and it gets worse. I am the only fat person in the room everyone else is young and beautiful and perky and thin and we head out and I am dejected. I line up, freezing and not knowing why start running before long, I am the only one left running alone everyone ahead of me, we had been told police would help block traffic for tough intersections, but since I was so far behind, I was on my own, no police lagged behind to help me. This was a tough and long run, I battled demons and self confidence issues the whole run, but somehow powered through, it was hard, tough and long, but I finished, I qualified. I almost feel like the head of the team hoped I would not because I sucked so much with my time, but I did.
That was my last long run and last real training run before the half. The start of my downward spiral before th 1/2.
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